the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
