3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
