Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
