yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
