when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
