Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
