I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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