Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
