Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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