She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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