I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
