There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
