Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
