she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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