: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
