You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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