I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
