He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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