I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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