Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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