All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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