I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
