Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
