The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
