One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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