I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
