When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
