is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
