Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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