So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
