Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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