My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I cut my penus on the lid.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
