i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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