I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
