I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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