i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
