Tell her she can't have a vagina
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
