I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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