The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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