I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
