do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
