pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
