My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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