just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
