Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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