He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
