bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
