On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize