The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
