Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
