a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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