How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
