i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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