guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
