bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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