Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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