The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
