Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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