Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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