OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize