I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
